michaelhayes (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} michaelhayes) wrote,@ 2008-04-28 18:21:00 |
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*sigh*, but I'm not older than MADONNA!
I feel old. Here's why:
I listened a new album today in its entirety, and it was awful. Truly dreadful. I figured, "Oh, it's probably a case of me being old and out of touch with the zeitgeist and this is what the kids get off to these days."
Then I thought, but damn, I'm listening to the NEW MADONNA ALBUM.
And sheesh, she's FIFTY. Plus, she has made music since I started liking music, so it's not like EVERYTHING has moved on, or stagnated.
This record though... UGH.
Okee, you wanna make a record that shows you're still hip. Still hip with AMERICANS, since you've been cutting discs with euro-disco peeps for several records now. So you line up the usual suspects to produce the thing: Timbaland, Timberlake, *yawn*....
But damn girl, you're MADONNA! You realize these guys have already spread their seed with every knockoff of yours from the ages of tween to.... well 20-something? you're gonna go back for sloppy seconds from Nelly Furtado's hit makers? Really?
And it shows. The music is pretty limp, and only the odd 70's throwback sounds or riffs really give the music any life at all. Despite her millennial quest for vocal legitimacy, Madonna is not a good singer. She's a dancer, a business woman, and a powerhouse entertainer, but she's not a cooing bird. So her vocals get the Paris Hilton treatment and get diced and auto-tuned to death. Well okee, now you've got no personality on a MADONNA record. Instead you got the Timber-Twosome interjecting lines, name-dropping Madonna's...er... name all over the place. Because we NEED to be told that. There's no other way we'd know who the heck it was.
Look Madonna, if you're gonna switch up the pace on a record and use hitmakers, you can't make it sound JUST like the other records they make. Since they've already used absolutely ALL of these production tricks before, it sounds like you came WAY late to the party. Not fashionably late either, like, everyone's moved on to the AFTER party and here you finally show up to the regular party.... oh girl....
And really, okay, look... you're fifty. I ain't saying you CAN'T make a dance record, sheesh do whatcha want. But really, at 50 you had better bring something to your dance record. All the kids can crump now, a high kick isn't gonna impress anyone. But that's okay, you've got an edge... you've been making these records for a million years. Back when getting Nile Rodgers to produce your album was a coup because he's in CHIC fer fucks' sake! If you're gonna make a dance album, don't make one of these faux-80's hip-hop dance records... they're done to death by kids without a fingernail's worth of your cred. Make a legitimately OLD SCHOOL dance record. Like, with a real band and some seriously deep funk grooves.
I had totally pegged you for ripping Amy Winehouse's bag on this album, you should have. You should have made the Dap Kings meets Abba album that only someone who was there could make. Instead you made an Ashlee Simpson outtake album.
Don't do that Madonna, it makes me feel old. And really, it sounds like crap. Did you just say "and on and on the beat goes" about 50 times in that song? ACK!
I feel old. Here's why:I listened a new album today in its entirety, and it was awful. Truly dreadful. I figured, "Oh, it's probably a case of me being old and out of touch with the zeitgeist and this is what the kids get off to these days."
Then I thought, but damn, I'm listening to the NEW MADONNA ALBUM.
And sheesh, she's FIFTY. Plus, she has made music since I started liking music, so it's not like EVERYTHING has moved on, or stagnated.
This record though... UGH.
Okee, you wanna make a record that shows you're still hip. Still hip with AMERICANS, since you've been cutting discs with euro-disco peeps for several records now. So you line up the usual suspects to produce the thing: Timbaland, Timberlake, *yawn*....
But damn girl, you're MADONNA! You realize these guys have already spread their seed with every knockoff of yours from the ages of tween to.... well 20-something? you're gonna go back for sloppy seconds from Nelly Furtado's hit makers? Really?
And it shows. The music is pretty limp, and only the odd 70's throwback sounds or riffs really give the music any life at all. Despite her millennial quest for vocal legitimacy, Madonna is not a good singer. She's a dancer, a business woman, and a powerhouse entertainer, but she's not a cooing bird. So her vocals get the Paris Hilton treatment and get diced and auto-tuned to death. Well okee, now you've got no personality on a MADONNA record. Instead you got the Timber-Twosome interjecting lines, name-dropping Madonna's...er... name all over the place. Because we NEED to be told that. There's no other way we'd know who the heck it was.
Look Madonna, if you're gonna switch up the pace on a record and use hitmakers, you can't make it sound JUST like the other records they make. Since they've already used absolutely ALL of these production tricks before, it sounds like you came WAY late to the party. Not fashionably late either, like, everyone's moved on to the AFTER party and here you finally show up to the regular party.... oh girl....
And really, okay, look... you're fifty. I ain't saying you CAN'T make a dance record, sheesh do whatcha want. But really, at 50 you had better bring something to your dance record. All the kids can crump now, a high kick isn't gonna impress anyone. But that's okay, you've got an edge... you've been making these records for a million years. Back when getting Nile Rodgers to produce your album was a coup because he's in CHIC fer fucks' sake! If you're gonna make a dance album, don't make one of these faux-80's hip-hop dance records... they're done to death by kids without a fingernail's worth of your cred. Make a legitimately OLD SCHOOL dance record. Like, with a real band and some seriously deep funk grooves.
I had totally pegged you for ripping Amy Winehouse's bag on this album, you should have. You should have made the Dap Kings meets Abba album that only someone who was there could make. Instead you made an Ashlee Simpson outtake album.
Don't do that Madonna, it makes me feel old. And really, it sounds like crap. Did you just say "and on and on the beat goes" about 50 times in that song? ACK!
